Dr-Fix-It! Notebook Archive:
Universal Laws of Tools

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• Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.



• Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.



• Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.



• Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.



• Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.



• Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.



• Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.



• Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.



• Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.



• Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.



• Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.



• Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, you boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.



• Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.



• Law of Rugs and Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting.



• Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.



• Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.



• Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.



• Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.



• Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

• HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is now used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
  
  
• MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
  
  
• ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. Also works great for drilling roller mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
  
  
• HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion. The more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
  
  
• VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. They can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
  
  
• OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the socket drawer (what wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter
  
  
• DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.
  
  
• WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingernails, fingerprint whorls and callouses. An extremely effective tool for inserting specks of rust in the eyes.
  
  
• HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of 'Motorsports Lowered Road Springs', trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
  
  
• EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2x4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
  
  
• TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
  
  
• PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
  
  
• SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Extremely useful tool for spreading mayonnaise on a sandwich. Primarily used for scraping dog-doo off your boot.
  
  
• E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
  
  
• TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
  
  
• TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
  
  
• CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor-mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on one end.
  
  
• BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.
  
  
• AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
  
  
• TROUBLE LIGHT: More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. Gets its name by combination the two words 'trouble' and 'light'. Sometimes called a 'drop light'. A device for pinpointing trouble spots in tight locations. Hang a 'trouble light' down the fender-wall to see under the intake manifold and it will burn a few critical wires or catch a spot of grease on fire - -That's trouble!    Roll under a car with a 'trouble light' and it will locate the nearest water drop so that it can promptly explode - leaving you to crawl to safety in the dark through a field of broken glass while trying to avoid the live electrodes on the hot end of the 'trouble light'.    Also, when you drop it, the light goes out - hence the name 'drop light'.
  
  
• PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt. It can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
  
  
• AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Detroit Michigan, and rounds them off.
  
  
• PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
  
  
• HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.