Dr-Fix-It! Notebook Archive:
SIM's: Small Inaccurate Measurements ...
It has come to my attention lately that there is a complete misunderstanding of small inaccurate measurements.
This week, we were trying to set a large piece of air conditioning equipment in it's proper place on a building's roof. The Foreman's orders came forth as: "move it up a hair", "to the right a smidgen", "just a bit to the left". Naturally, nothing happened as planned. It is no one's fault; I think it is merely a problem with scientific definition.
Therfore, as a public service, I propose a standard for Small Inaccurate Measurements so that everyone is on the same page. Granted, there will be no review by any Society of Engineers, because , by definition, this measurement standard will remain inaccurate. That seems simple enough! Further, I propose an acronym for Small Inaccurate Measurements such as ... (UMMMM) ...SIM's.
To get started in the enormous undertaking of creating a new industry standard of SIM, I will need to establish a basic SIM unit. To that end, I propose basic unit of SIM shall be defined as the width of a hair ... And we shall call it the "Hair" (HEY!!!...this is easy!!!)
Slightly smaller than the unit "Hair" is the "Hair of Private Regions" which has never, ever been referred to as ""Hair of Private Regions". Not once. I cannot publish the actual name of the "Hair of Private Regions", but if you have ever cut or installed cove molding, you know the phrase. Anyway (AHEM...) It is a LOT smaller than a "hair".
A slightly smaller measurement than ... (umm) ... the one I mentioned above ... Is "frog's hair" which is a very fine measurement, indeed. In terms of SIM, I would define a "frog's hair" as a smidgen less than "Hair of Private Regions"
So, you ask, how big is a Smidgen? OK. OK ... Let me think ... Ah, yes! In the SIM Standard, a smidgen is inversely relative to the inverse of the width of hair, give or take a plus or minus constant defined by the variable "H". You may ask "What is "H" ?". That is the nature of a variable constant. Who the "H" knows? And who knows "H"? But, by scientific investigation, (trust me) most smidgens are bigger than hairs. Unless, of course, you are splitting hairs (as above) in which case a smidgen is maybe about 7/22 of a hair's width plus or minus constant variable "H".
"Match Book Covers" are about thirty to roughly six thousand (who is counting?) hairs thick. "Match Book Covers" are the setting for every lawn mower spark plug, points and plugs for any old Ford truck, and the only dental floss your neighbor seems to ever use.
"A Bit" is a little more than a smidgen but not much.
"A little more" when preceded by several "bit"s is about equivalent to two or three "Smidgens", give or take..
"Justa Bit" is probably about 13/16ths of "A Bit" so it would be roughly half a "Smidgen" or maybe a little bit more.
"Inside the Line" is a measurement unique to SIM. In no other measurement system is an allowance made for measuring too long. Therefore, cutting "Inside the Line" is a testimony to the forward thinking of this revolutionary measurement system. Traditionally, "Inside the Line" is the width of a saw blade which would equate to one or two smidgens plus or minus a hair or two.
I hope this clears things up..