Dr-Fix-It! Notebook Archive:
Citzens Beware . . .
There exists a grave threat to the freedom of the citizens of this country that is allowed to run literally unchecked. The instruments of this threat can be seen in major metropolises and unincorporated villages. They can be seen infiltrating malls, schools, office buildings, post offices, even military bases. They can be seen on the open highways as well as on the city streets. Even our federal interstate highway system, the network that President Dwight Eisenhower championed as absolutely necessary to move troops and evacuees in the event of a national emergency; EVEN THAT is not protected from them !
I refer, of course, to orange traffic cones.
In a truly free democratic society, no one would be able to prevent another citizen from going wherever he wanted. Yet, Americans citizens mindlessly follow any path marked by orange cones, never once questioning the authority or the purpose of the one who placed the orange cones in their way.
We see orange cones on the roadway every day and think nothing of them.. That is the insidious nature of orange cones. We TRUST them. We assume they were placed by someone who had OUR best interest in mind. We assume they were placed by someone who was truly concerned about our safety. We assume they were placed by someone who really liked us and wanted to be certain that we were able to find our way in traffic.
Think about it... When did any stranger in a safety vest holding a road flag in one hand and a '64 ounce TasteeBurger Big Cola' in the other EVER give a flying yanno if you could find your way in traffic? It is usually just the opposite, isn't it? Did you ever wonder if some sinister mastermind might actually be maneuvering those flag-men and their orange cones on the highway just to disrupt civil peace? Just to make certain that you would be late for your dentist appointment? The fiends!
And, by the way... Did you ever notice the orange cones always seem to be placed on the very exit you need? Why is that? You've been driving for hours and it is finally time to get off the freeway. But, the exit you NEED is blocked with orange cones! Do you think this is a coincidence? How do they do that? The clever devils!
The average American's passive acceptance of orange cones represents a security risk to our nation. A saboteur could easily drop a few hundred orange cones from an airplane onto a busy expressway in the middle of rush hour. The confusion caused by the random placement of orange cones pointing in every direction would certainly cause chaos. No doubt, motorists would obediently follow the cones and crash their vehicles headlong into one another making a once proud American expressway completely impassible in a matter of moments.
The sinister placement of orange cones has to be stopped! We need to protect our constitutional freedom to go wherever we please. We have to be certain that the ones who are controlling our movement with orange cones are people who are ON OUR SIDE!
But the problem has burgeoned to the point that it is beyond the scope of individual Americans to protect themselves. The total number of orange cones in this country has become so overwhelming that only the expenditure of billions of tax dollars could even hope to change anything!
Therefore, I propose a gigantic Federal Bureaucracy to monitor the placement of orange cones as well as to register and license the people who place orange cones in our way. The agency should also be charged with the responsibility to account for all orange cones as well as to monitor and control trafficking of all orange cones. Let's go for a full blown Federal Agency to oversee all cones in this country. Now, let's see; what should we call it?... The Federal Bureau of Cones... United States Cone Force.... Department of Conical Security....
To get things started, I'll even sign up as the first Director of Orange Cones.
Doc, D. O. C. It has a nice 'ring' to it...