Dr-Fix-It! Notebook Archive:
2D>D Pen Den C on 4N ol. . . .
Sure, $4/gallon gasoline is coming. They got you last year. Nowadays, them rag-head camel jockeys are gettin' 80 bucks a barrel for crude. So it's only a matter of time before gasoline costs as much as tobacco! You know what they say, "Bend Over Here It Comes Again . . . Only Bigger"!
So what's a person to do? Here's some patriotic gas saving tips . . .
First, can you say "to decrease dependancy on foreign oil"? Can you?
No? Then, Memorize this:
You don't get it? Well, here's what all that cipher'n means:
* > means 'Crease'. Like that fold mark in your jeans when you buy 'em.
** Gramma had knew how to use one. An ink writer. A Ball Point.
*** The preacher's office. Also, where a bar sleeps.
**** Them medium size batteries. Yer best PortCard Grade.
***** What them golfers holler. Number of Dad's teeth. Number of Mom's boyfriends.
****** Yankees won't understand "Ol". In most parts of the US where oil is produced, the word is pronounced 'ol'. Northerners (Yankees) always try to add an 'i' that is silent in the south. Yankees say "OY-ell". Sorry Pennsylvania, In Texas and the Gulf coast, it's "ol". )
Get it now? It is your patriotic duty to 2D>D Pen Den C on 4N ol.
How? Glad you axed:
Consider having another beer at the joint where you are currently AT. Yes, I know it's boring . But chances are its just as boring at the next place, too. And, QUIT chasing that sweet young thang. If she likes you, she'll show up. Act casual. Cutting bar-hopping will save gas money and that leads to more beer money.
Shop only at Super Wal-Mart. Come on. They got it all and at the best prices anyway. Load up on food and clothes and fishing tackle and worms and beer all at one place. Buy the little lady sompum purdy.
Ride your bike. Even if it is not street legal, it still gets better gas milage than the pick-up. When the cop pulls you over just tell him you are doing it 2D>D Pen Den C on 4N ol. He'll understand. Shoot, he prolly shake yer hand fer bein' so patriotic. Might even rip up the ticket. Maybe. Just say 'yessir' a lot.
Consider turning off the engine when you go in for a beer. I know. I KNOW. It's going to be uncomfortable to get back in the dang truck but what the heck, we're doing it for the country, right?
Sleep-in on Sunday and cook your own breakfast. Say a prayer and 'splain to God that you're skippen yer church goen 2D>D Pen Den C on 4N ol. He'll understand.
Quit work. Back and forth to work 10 or 12 times a week is burning a lot of gasoline. Huh? 5 or 6 times a week? Once or twice? Aw well, the number don't really matter. It's the commitment.
Set fire to a SUV near you. (Unless it's Bubba's. He'd be real ticked off. And that might hurt.)
Quit mowen your dang ol lawn! How many times do I have to tell you? We need that gas for fishing! Once grass tassles, it don't GET no higher! Tell your neighbors to get used to the 'prairie look' because you are committed 2D>D Pen Den C on 4N ol.
Quit fishing. NOW WAIT !!! I didn't say stop GOING fishing - I just said stop fishing. WAIT! Let me explain. OK, load up the boat. Kiss Honey Buh-bye. Drive to the lake. But DON'T put the boat in the water. Pay somebody to play catch with their fish. Have them toss their fish to you. Toss it back. Have everyone in your fishing party participate. Form a little circle and toss the fish around. Then, wash your hands and go get a beer.
Look at it this way: You are helping America. Look at the bottle. Beer is made in the USA. Right? Oil is made over in some sandbag country. Right? That bassboat burns 10 gallons per hour at full throttle. Right? And what puss would NOT go at full throttle. Right? So, That's 10 gallons per hour at $4 per gallon. Shees! That's $40 / hour! Can you drink at the rate of $40 / hour? Wellllll, It's gonna take some serious effort . . .
It's just this simple: 'American Beer Versus Them Other Guys Ol. Who's gonna win? Who do ya think?
So, the wife meets you at the site of the wreck. She says in that smart-ass voice of her's, "Did you even FISH today?" You can say, "We all caught a couple nice ones and we threw them back." Hey! It AIN'T no lie!
If that don't work, take yer cap off and hold it over yer heart. Tell her that you was just doing yer part 2D>D Pen Den C on 4N ol.
She'll love you for it. Honest. Trust me. Ok, maybe not.
But, even though you will prolly have to sleep in the dang ol' bassboat for a MONTH (If yer lucky), you ken be proud because America loves you for doing yer part 2D>D Pen Den C on 4N ol !
May God Bless
- Thanks to 'Bubba' in San Antonio.