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Ice Cream, I Scream!
A Study Concludes Ice Cream is Fattening

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Ice Cream, I Scream . . .    

          I have just come up with another scheme to retire in style and luxury at the expense of stupid rich liberals.     It has come to my attention that millions of charitable donation dollars are being paid to quasi-scientists to perform research for "the public good".

           The Center for Science in the Public Interest, an independent, nonprofit group, said in a study released July 23, that ice cream is fattening.      To quickly sum up the report: The really good gourmet ice cream is the most fattening because there is more butterfat in their ice cream. Lower calorie ice creams and yogurts are somewhat less fattening than the heavier ice creams but still quite fattening. People at risk for ingesting fat should stay away from ice cream.

           That one stops me right in my tracks.. Do you mean to tell me that a frozen confection consisting primarily of heavy cream and sugar has been shown to be fattening? I am astonished.

           I am astonished that I never thought of this angle before! How many millions of donation dollars were gobbled up in an effort to show that an ice cream cone was fattening?

           I wonder how was the study accomplished? Did the researchers ride the Ferris Wheel while eating their ice cream cones or were they forced to lick their cones while riding a Tilt-A-Whirl? That could have an effect on the findings.

           I have a great idea! This is perfect! You and I: Lets start a non-profit agency with a mission to protect the innocent population from everyday evils.   We could even have a pompous name along the lines of; Oh, I don't know, maybe "The Center for Science in the Public Interest". We could make up science projects that would make stupid rich donors feel all fuzzy inside.

          Maybe we could talk stupid donors out of twenty thousand to see if the ocean water in the Bahamas was fit to breathe or if it would be safer just to swim around in it.

          A couple hundred grand should suffice to see if beer served warm in Europe has the same effects on the libido as beer sold chilled in the United States.

          It might take a few million to find out if long-odds race horses tend to run faster when very large wagers have been placed on them.

          Has anyone ever studied the long term effects on the wrist muscles when subjected to the continuous repetitive motions that occur during fishing?

Hmmm!   The list is endless .  . .  



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