Dr-Fix-It! Notebook Archive:
Ya Gotta Have Hearts . . .
The lady in front of me insists that the can of artichoke hearts should scan as $3.49 not $4.99. The cashier has called for a price check. Some kid comes up to see the can in question. Oh boy. He doesn't have a clue. Barely speaks English. Doesn't seem to understand what he is supposed to do. I'll bet he doesn't even know what an artichoke heart is. I'm guessing that this price check is going to take a loooooong time.
I wish some other aisle would open up. The only other aisle that is open is the Express Lane - '10 items or less'. But, the Express Lane is fourteen deep because a kid is trying to buy gin with a traveler's check. He doesn't look old enough to buy gin. They need to check his ID. Anyway, they have to call a manager to approve the traveler's check. So, the Express Lane is out of the equation.
I'll just stay here. I'm next up. The only thing between me and freedom is one can of artichoke hearts. Maybe it won't take long. Yeah. Think positive. Maybe this price check will only take a second.
Look at the headlines on the National Slanderer. Yet another old codger has stepped up to the plate to claim that he is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. How many is that now?: six? They say that kid could be worth $600 million or something like that - right? For a chance at $600 million, I might as well toss my hat in the ring - so to speak. I might as well admit I rolled in the sack with that one. Hey, why not? Sure. I did it. I could very well be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. Prove me wrong! 600 million to 1! Maybe my DNA would be a match. I know it's a long shot but it's not impossible. The odds of a random DNA match are about the same as winning the 'Super Lotto Mega Plus Max Powerball' . (Better - if you believe OJ's defense lawyers.) And you don't have to spend a dollar for a ticket - just spit on a Q-tip. (Submit a DNA sample). Hell, why not? Let me spit on the Q-tip. I'll get in that lottery. Yessirree. I did it. I'm the father of Anna's baby.
The price checker is over on Aisle-6. Dumb kid. Artichoke hearts won't be over there. I'm pretty sure they are on Aisle-3 next to the pickles. Either that or over in the Deli Section.
Well, well, well! Britney Spears is out of rehab. Poor thing. It says here she spent $22 million on drugs and alcohol because she's worried about going broke. Go figure. . . . Man, I'd like to be her bartender. What would the tip be on $22 million? About $3 million? Hell, I could retire. Can I put a topper on that cocktail, Britney? Sign the tab, please. The usual tip? Oh, Thank you, Britney.
Oprah has a new way to lose weight. This time it works. No, really. Honest.
Hearts of Palm? No! Dummy! Artichoke Hearts! But you're getting close! You're in the right aisle. Look just beyond the pickles. Do you understand? Pickles! P I C K L E S.
The newspaper headline is about 16 pets lost their lives because there's rat poison in the pet food. Animal food has been recalled. Hundreds of thousands semi-trucks rolling to return dog food to the manufacturers. Of course I'm sorry for those families who lost their pets - but let's put this in perspective: A national mobilization for 16 animals? My dog dines in the cat box. Yuck. And - the kids kiss the dog. Double yuck.
Artichoke hearts cost $3.49. The lady was right. She gets her artichoke hearts for free because of the Price Scan Guarantee. I get nothing for the 15 minutes of my life wasted in line.
The newspaper headlines in the business section are reassuring. Bullshit - but reassuring. The Federal Reserve reviewed the inflation statistics in the past week and decided that, excluding energy and food, there really isn't very much inflation. So, they are going to keep the interest rates the same for another month or so. Excuse me? Exclude energy and food? Well, of course there is no inflation IF you exclude the costs of energy and food! What else is there? I dare say 90% of the average person's budget is spent on energy or food. After I get done paying for gasoline, propane, electricity and the daily 'vittles' - what's left? TV, telephone and medical bills. Gimme a break; the prices of energy and food are the root CAUSE of the inflation. Who's kidding whom here? I really hate to be the one to break this to you Government Economics PHD's: But, there is rampant inflation out here. Get out of your ivory tower and come see for yourself.
Oh now this is good. Look at this article: "The situation was exacerbated by uncertainty about the U.S. economy, especially subprime mortgages, loans to people with weak credit". Wait a minute. What ever happened to credit ratings? Bankers should know better that to give money to someone who can't repay it. If they are THAT stupid, LET them go under.
- Hey Numb-Nut Banker! Give me a couple hundred grand, OK?
- Duh. Sure. What sort of payment schedule do you want?
- Payment schedule? I said GIVE me the money. I won't be paying it back! What's WRONG with you?
- Oh, Sorry. Here is your money. Have a nice day.
(A Tap On The Shoulder . . .)
"Excuse me sir, I can take you on Checkout Aisle-3 with no waiting."
"How can you say that? I've been waiting for fifteen minutes."
"Well, there would be no more waiting on Checkout Aisle-3."
"There would be no less waiting on Checkout Aisle-3."
"I don't think I understand . . ."
"So, are you just resetting the clock like they do in Football? The fifteen minutes I just waited over here in this checkout aisle is somehow erased and I start over with no waiting? Some guy in a Zebra Suit says 'Please start the wait clock on my signal ' ? "
"All I said was I can take you on Checkout Aisle-3. . ."
Too late. One smart remark too many. Checkout Aisle-3 immediately fills with frantic customers who are abandoning the gridlocked and overflowing Express Lane - '10 items or less'.
Fortunately, the lady in front of me is almost done. Aw, shoot. She's paying with a check. Do you have any ID? I hope she has ID. She can't find her ID. It's in her purse somewhere. Please, find your ID.
Hey, look at this headline : Viacom is suing the living daylights out of Google for playing copyrighted videos on YouTube. A billion dollar lawsuit. Viacom says Google is making money from other people's work without their permission. Ha! What else is new? Google has a copy of everything on the Internet. They don't call it a copy or purloined or thievery - Google calls it "cached". That's different. I'd love to get on that jury. A member of the jury in a billion dollar lawsuit could probably make more in, uummm, "tips" than Britney Spear's bartender. I could retire.
"Hey! You gonna buy any of those newspapers? Or, are you just here to read? Come on - Move it along. You're holding up the line."