Dr-Fix-It! Notebook Archive:
Sexual Harassment . . .
John hadn't completed his second step into the darkness of the tavern before he became the target of the conversation.
"Dang, John. You look like you were rode hard and put away wet. What's got you dragging? They didn't make you work today, did they?"
"Come on. Be reasonable. We're talking about John here."
"You're right. John - work? Lost my head there for a minute."
John swung a leg over the stool and pulled himself up to the bar. Cory The Bartender tossed a napkin in front of John and winked, "You'd better be careful what you say today! The Peanut Gallery is restless. They want blood. What'll it be? The usual?"
John grinned, "Beer's good. Thanks, Cory. Those guys are just what I need - -A little attitude adjustment."
John looked down the bar and responded, " Naw, I wasn't working . . .
"There. I told you so. John and work just don't go together"
". . . I just got out of an all-day seminar going over employee regulations . . ."
" 'Work or Get Fired' - that's the only employee regulation that counts. "
"Aww . . . You can't fire anybody anymore. All you can do is 'write them up' and put a note in their folder. That's the trouble; if you ask me. Regulations got us all by the kahoonas."
John tried to continue, " . . .Covering sex in the workplace . . ."
As if on cue, every member of The Peanut Gallery instantly hoisted his beer bottle overhead. "HERE'S TO SEX IN THE WORKPLACE!"
"They send you to school to teach you sex in the workplace? God, I love this country!"
"So John, Did they give you a test? How did you score?"
"One handed - just like always!"
"Ha! John, Do they give you a diploma?"
"Naw. John passed the book test but failed the practicals."
"His pencil was too short."
Pretending to be a judge, Cory The Bartender tapped an empty bottle on the bar, "Order! Order! . . ."
"OK, I'll have another one."
" . . .That's not what I meant. Come on, guys! Let John finish what he was saying." With a flourish, he motioned for John to speak.
John took a quick sip of beer and thought for a few seconds Choosing his words carefully, John continued, " So, today at my work - I had to attend a class discussing the SUBJECT of sexual harassment in the workplace. It lasted all day and really wore me out."
"John lasted all day and now he's worn out."
"Understandable. Very understandable. "
Cory the Bartender smiled and shook his head. "It's not going well, John. My advice would be to take your losses and change the subject."
"No Cory! We like the subject of sex. Shoot! - We like it so much, we'll even listen to John"
"Them who can, do. Them that can't, teach. So let John speak."
John ignored the last crack and continued. " More than half of all harassment cases are women complaining about men. Men complaining about women, men/men and women/women are about even at 15 percent each."
"Get your hand off my knee. You cad."
"Women hit on men?"
"Happens to me all the time. Just once, I wish someone would love me for my mind."
"Hey Cory! At what point would you say you lost control of this establishment?"
"About the time John walked in"
"All John's fault. It's always John."
"But, sometimes a man DOES complain if a woman hits on him?"
"Sure. Hey, What if your boss was a lady and she wanted to have sex with you. What would you say?"
"Well now, wait a second. Is my boss lady 'good-looken' ?"
"OK, We'll say she's 'good-looken' "
"Then I'd say, 'Moby, don't fail me now!' "
"But what if your boss lady looked like on of them gals on 'The View' ?"
"I'd say, 'Moby, where did you go? Where are you, Moby?' "
"See? Right there! That's the thing! Guys just don't take this stuff seriously."
"You never take me seriously. You never take me anywhere at all. What's HAPPENED to us?"
Cory The Bartender said, "I had to take a seminar like what John is talking about. I'll say this much: It is pretty scary how the littlest thing could get a guy's butt in big trouble. Them lawyers are making a mint over sexual harassment. If you get fingered for sexual harassment, you can plan on spending a lot of money. One way or another, it will come out of your own pocket. Lot's of times you can't even fight it - you are automatically guilty.
Here's the two rules for all of you: Number one: Don't touch a coworker. No pats, taps, hugs, or pokes. The only exception to the 'no touching rule' is a handshake.
Number two: Don't say anything about how YOU THINK another person looks. You can say, 'You have to wear steel-toed boots' because it is not your opinion. You can't say, 'You look nice in that sweater'. "
"Two things. I can remember them two things. Dang ol' John had to sit in a class for eight hours to learn them two things?"
"Tomorrow, I'm going to run over to see that new secretary in 'B' Building. I'm going to say, 'Let's do something kinky later. You have to wear steel-toed boots!' "
"Perfect. That would seem to be a perfectly acceptable way to apply what we have learned here. - I'd want to be there, though - I would love to watch you get the living daylights slapped out of you."
"She wouldn't dare! No Touching in the workplace!"
"Well, I think we all learned something important here. . .
. . . Once Cory The Bartender starts flapping his jaws, nobody gets any more beer."
"Sorry. 'Nother one?"
"Me Too, Cory. Make it a round."